Not more than two weeks ago I became weak and broke what I was hoping was going to be a long drawn-out battle against me and my impending purchase of Fallout 3. I was hoping it would last much longer and that I would gleefully watch the price tumble as the weeks past by, that Fallout would curse my name as I lusted over other games as it still laid stagnant on the shelves of my local Gamestop store. But, oh no, it didn’t go down like that. The persistent discussions that lingered around me for the past month forced my hand - no longer could I listen to dozens of people around me getting sucked into this game. I did, indeed, felt left out. Alas, I am a recovering victim - of peer pressure.
Fallout 3, as most of you surely know already, is a action-RPG set in a retro-future Washington DC - after a apocalyptic nuclear war has driven the remains of the sane and non-radiated people into underground vaults. Fast forward 200 years and you’re looking at a peachy world, full of Super Mutants, rejects from the Thunderdome, a bunch of Emos and a hell of a lot of pissed off moles and cockroaches. You, the hero(ine), have just stepped out of your Vault, from a utopic underworld filled with nuts to a dystopic hellhole - once again, with pissed off moles and cockroaches. Things just got worse - this is one case where being stuck in a closterphopicly-small hole is actually the better of the two situations. Thing is, even taking into account what we all know about post-apocalypitia from all those horrifically bad Mad Max rip-offs in the 80’s, most of the rules of the game seemed to have changed:
1. Stealing is bad. Yeah, we all know this. But is it too much for me to ask for an A.I. in a game to realize that stealing a heavily-rusted can of a generic brand of SPAM should not be met with a shotgun blast to the face? Seriously - what am I stealing in equalivance? You’re brandishing weaponry, committing homicide and extracating me from not only your establishment, but also your entire town, all on an account of a measly stick of Hubba Bubba? Pilfering a bar of soap from your restroom? Seriously, here’s the two damned dollars I just stole from you - maybe you should lock up your pretty shinies somewhere else, you psychopath. You manage to go into an entire discourse about me breaking into your prized “Metal Box” but you don’t mention that I shouldn’t pick up your SPAM, least my life shall become forfeit?
1a. Also worth mentioning, said SPAM was stolen while the rednecks in said shit-shanty were faced away from me. I thought Super Mutants and Ghouls were the only ones that had visible mutations - tell me the next time that you’ve got eyes in the back of your head, Mister A.I.
2. Radiation has managed to ruin much of the water, food and wildlife as well as turned many humans into mutated creatures resembling most low-budget horror movies of the 60’s (sans visible seams). I understand this - but I also understand that most stores around the Capitol Wasteland has Rad-X - an easy way to wash away the daily toll radiation has placed on your body. Because of this miracle stash of radiation eliminating pills that somehow hasn’t been totally used up in the 200 years after the holocaust, a good portion of the human population in the game, albeit stranger than all get-out, aren’t mutated. That being said, why is every single female I walk up to in the game in severe need of a paper bag? Even Mad Max, after you strip away the awkwardness of a mohawk on a female (well, to be fair, they look awkward on both sexes), had attractive females - mostly with a heavy dose of blue eyeshadow - but still! Fallout is completely devoid of attractive members of society. Don’t believe me? Moira’s waiting for you, “cutie”.
3. I’m a bit frustrated by how saturated every dark building is with radiation-mutated cockroaches and I have never, not once, managed to find even a half-eaten twinkie around. Somebody LIED.
4. Listen to your fellow tinfoil-hatters. They, quite literally, are the only ones that manage to survive the Apocalypse. Every single character in the game is completely unlikable, more annoying than a two year old with a full bladder on a long car trip in the middle of the Outback and totally batshit nuts. What befuddles me is that they had enough ingenuity to survive a nuclear war but apparently still think that living in a city, called Megaton (because there’s a unexploded nuke in the middle of town) is just caked full of “irony” rather than “batshit craziness”.
5. It’s a given that an apocalypse would virtually wipe out most traditional religions - some would no doubt survive, crawling back to infantcy and obscurity as most would be disenfranchised by a higher power that would let the world be destroyed and not actually “end” the world. This could easily cause quite the debate, I’m sure - but Mad Max gives us all we need to know about the end of times - it embodies what all popular thought is about what a world would be reborn - albeit, cheesy, over-the-top and a bit off with the “normal haircut - to - mullet” ratio, but still, pretty accurate especially when we’re talking about HYPOTHETICALS. That being said, in Fallout, the only visible religion seems to be tied to the worship of the “Atom” and the, quite literal, worship of the bombs that brought the death of the world. Proof positive, that even after a massive wake-up call like the end of the world as we know it, some humans will still choose to worship some of the most insane, most ridiculous stuff. Use your own imagination.
6. Given the current economic downturn, there’s quite a few nuts out there saying that we all should have invested in gold because currencies not based upon a real substance are doomed to falter and fail. Well here’s one for the nuts out there - in Fallout’s future we’ve taken your insane advice - in fact, there’s not even a paper currency that can be traded in lieu of gold, like the Wild West - oh no - straight product here. Yup, Bottlecaps. Coke bottle Bottlecaps. Think Bottled Coke is hard to find now - it gets harder in the future. Better trade in some burned books or tin cans - they may be low value, but in bulk, you’ll be showering in Bottlecaps. Unfortunately the game lacks the wheelbarrow you’ll need to carry enough to just buy some rudimentary gear. Thankfully, through the magic of future-retro science, you’ll be able to carry 200 burned books without being overburdened - but only if you’re naked. Just think, Scrooge Mcduck, swimming in his money vault, full of freaking Bottlecaps - now that’s classy.
7. Karma matters - but only if you hurt someone’s feelings, steal from them or hurt “good” people. It, however, doesn’t apply to eating human flesh when you’re strolling around the Wasteland. In fact, the developers will hit you up with the hefty moral decision of whether to profit from detonating the bomb in the middle of Megaton or not, potentially killing dozens of people who have befriended you throughout your extended stay in the wasteland - but chowing down human flesh doesn’t raise an eyebrow of moralistic integrity
Sandbox gameplay can only go so far without leaving itself open for complete parody. That being said, I’m 20 or so hours into the game and I’m apparently not coming up for air anytime soon.
This wonderful little picture of Aidan with Santa doesn’t show what utter turmoil and pain this poor boy went through to get his picture taken with a strange old man in a red suit. In fact, from the first moment he plopped down on Santa’s lap, he managed to go through a wealth of emotions and expressions in mere seconds - from inquisitiveness, fear, panic, fake happiness, genuine happiness and comfortability - he showed the entire gamut. One picture doesn’t give this boy justice - that’s why I’ve prepared a Slideshow of all the images for you all! Enjoy and Merry Christmas!
Blog of J. Jason Lazarus, techno-geek, retro-gamer, ranter, avid photographer & new dad.